Friendship: 7 qualities of good friends
They say if you are in your twenties or thirties and have three good friends, you are doing great in life. People teasingly have said that the biggest miracle of Jesus’ life was having twelve close friends. However, the truth for most of us is that having several good friends is not a reality. So how do us as young(er) adults make friends? And how do we know whether or not the people around us are “good” friends? How do we kindly but objectively look at the people in our lives and determine whether they are friends worthy of being in our inner circle?
First, we need to discuss the importance of people. I am a hard-core introvert. Give me some silence and solitude, some soft music and a good book, and I am the happiest person in the world. I love being alone with my thoughts, wrestling with ideas for upcoming projects, and even just being truly alone. I struggle with building relationships with people. I don’t enjoy small-talk. I love having deep conversations with people, especially about the things they are excited about. The best question to discuss with me is “what dreams have you been pursuing”, and after that I consider you to be a best friend and will never shut up. However, as much as I enjoy being alone, I know that at some point I will crave human interaction. It’s a basic need that God instilled within us for good reasons. God did not design us to stay in solitude for our entire lives, in fact in Genesis He even states that “it is not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2). Clearly there is a need to have friendships and relationships with other people. Not only is friendship good for us, it’s good for the other people involved too. So here are 10 qualities that we should be looking for in the people we consider “good” friends.
Consistency. I get it, everyone is busy with something. Your friend has a busy season of life, you fell off of their priority list, they haven’t texted you in months, and you’re wondering if they’ve completely dropped you. When this happens, it’s easy to question “did I do something to offend them?”, or even “what’s wrong with me that they suddenly didn’t want to be my friend anymore?”. These questions can keep you up at night and have you re-evaluating this persons presence in your life. Good friends are consistent in their effort to maintain a relationship with you. Yes, they will have busy seasons and those seasons do not negate their friendship or loyalty to you, but their lack of effort does. I’ve had friendships where I haven’t spoken to them in person in several months, but every once in a while they will text me and ask how I’m doing. They have busy seasons, but the effort to maintain a relationship is still there. If they make no effort, or only put in effort when you ask about it, that might be your sign that they need to be blessed and released from your inner circle.
Forgiving. I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. No one is perfect. We live in a day and age in which when someone is hurt or offended, they either lash out at the other person, or just never speak to them again and avoid them constantly. Let me just clearly say that this is not the Biblical way to handle conflict. Will you have conflict with your friends? Absolutely. Can you get through it? Absolutely, if you handle it the right way. First, you have to address the issue. Don’t sweep it under a rug and try to ignore it, get it out in the open and have the hard conversation. Most times, people don’t realize that they have hurt someone and once they so realize that, they apologize, but those conversations don’t happen unless you make them happen. Good friends understand that forgiveness is necessary for any relationship to be a healthy one. If you do not know, the Biblical way of handling conflict can be found in [Bible chapter, verse here].
Honesty. I asked several people through my social media what qualities they look for in friends and this was the most common answer. People specifically said they wanted friends that would tell them the truth even if it wasn’t something they wanted to hear. No one likes a “yes” man. You would think honesty is a fairly simple thing to ask of someone but when posed with the question of should we tell someone something they don’t want to hear or lie to spare their feelings, most of us would chose to lie for the sake of “protecting” them. This is a difficult one, both to find in others and to be ourselves. The most helpful thing I could suggest is to learn the difference between being harshly honest, and being compassionately honest. Good friends know how to speak the truth in a way that is kind, loving, and firm but without being harsh or rude. This trait is important because we hear all kinds of things about what we “should” do and what we “should” be from people that have no business making those statements about our lives. Having a friend who can honestly and kindly call you out on your mistakes and your character as a person is a blessing.
Similar Values. What do you value in your inmost being? For me, it’s creativity, consistency, good leadership, and a striving for excellence in every avenue possible. These are the things that drive my life. I LOVE being creative, it’s part of why I’m writing this today. Good leadership is hard to find, so that’s why I want to be a good leader to others and teach others how to be good leaders as well. Friendships tend to be healthier when both people involved have similar core values. I am not saying that you have to have all the SAME core values, but ones that compliment each other are ideal. One of my best friends core values is evangelism, which means that she has a ton of very interesting conversations with people. One of my values is creativity, so together we can think of new ways to share the Gospel with people, especially in weird ways that no one else would think of. Good friends have values that compliment each other.
Loyalty. If you have talked to just about any human extensively in the last year, you know that people can be FLAKY. They could be your friend one minute and then the next they are talking about you behind your back for whatever reason. Commitment is not a language that many people speak anymore, so finding someone who stays loyal to you is like finding a needle in a haystack. Good friends are loyal, meaning they support you through thick and thin. They support you through the different stages of life that you go through and don’t plan on leaving for things that can be resolved. Another one of my best friends, was my friend for three years before getting married but continued being a close friend even though her stage of life is completely different now. Loyalty goes beyond a single stage of life, but rather seeks to support a person through all the ups and downs of life.
Empathy. This is typically defined as when one is aware of the mental and emotional states of others in a way that defies physcological and conventional science. Things that would fall under this category are traits such as “being a good listener”, and being. “non-judgmental”. There is nothing worse than having a friend that can’t tell when you’ve had a bad day and just need to vent. Good friends are willing to set aside their personal issues for a moment to intentionally be empathic to your situations. When my dad passed away, I had a handful of friends that intentionally sat down and just listened to me. They didn’t say the “fluff” phrases like “I’m so sorry for your loss” because they knew that wasn’t going to actually help anything in the moment. They continually make their presence a safe place for me to express the small things like how the last meal I had with my dad at a restaurant included fried pickles and when I recently saw them on a menu I teared up. Good friends, and just good people in general, are aware of what is going on around them and are sensitive to those things.
Loving. Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you felt like you were a project to them? Like they just wanted to change tiny little parts of you to fit their needs or wants? I’ve had relationships like this and while I know they might have had good intentions, this comes across as very unloving. Good friends don’t try to change who you are, they love you into being a better person. This is not to say that good friends never have had conversations or disagreements, but when these do happen, the main motivation behind how they handle things is love. I have a good friend that I once would’ve called a best friend and I’ve seen them make some very bad decisions lately. I’ve made my stance on their actions clear, but not out of hate, but out of loving them enough to not want to see something awful happen to them as a consequence of their actions. Loving people isn’t always easy, but as Christians it’s something we are called to do. Love doesn’t mean glossing over ugly parts of other people, but it does mean that we encourage and support healthy changes to their life. This is arguably the hardest thing to find in a friend. There are a lot of people who misuse the word “love” until what that word really means is “I’ll say I love you because it will get me what I want but really I plan on ditching you in about two months”. Do your friends love you with an agenda or because they love you as a person?
Final Thoughts:
This is by no means comprehensive or in order of priority. However, these are things to be thinking about when determining whether you have good quality friends or not. Let’s face it, people are the hardest thing in the world to deal with and finding ones we like is even harder sometimes but by our nature in who God created us to be, we are meant to be social creatures. Hopefully though, this has given you a resource and food for thought on what qualities you desire of the people within your inner circle.
If you are a friend trying to help someone through grief, feel free to read through The Hurting Christian post I did. It walks through several simple steps to helping someone deal with grief and loss.
Stay safe, stay sane, stay spiritually fed.
Crystal Rose